The Cons: Vanilla Bean & Ghost Pepper Kumquat Marmalade

The kitchen is close to done. Not quite, but almost. That's another story, which at the moment I am unable to tell because if I do I'll suffer a conniption fueled from pure rage. So apologies if I need a week or two in order keep my blood inside my head on not spritzed upon my newly painted teal walls.

"And aren't they a beautiful shade of teal?!" is what I howl to the poor Mormon missionaries and UPS delivery men who by bad luck or unfortunate karma are forced to come to my door. Some are smart enough to run before I begin to detail how I installed the Cotton Valley Oak flooring. 

Instead, I'll bitch about something else today. First world problems. Who else has got 'em, right? How terrible it is that I am spending the Pride weekend in my brand new house putting together brand new Ikea furniture? How I suffer eating in my new dining room. What is that, husband? You picked up the wrong wine for the roast chicken with apricots? We can't drink Chardonnay! WHAT ARE WE, SAVAGES?!

So it hasn't been that bad, but let's talk fruit trees again. I know I was overjoyed at the prospect of now having them and how I was going to plant more, but I have quickly familiarized myself with the "con" side of the list.

Allow me to elaborate a few of these items:

1. There is so much of it. I like bacon. Love it. Though I've had a day or two in my life where all I ate that day was bacon. Lots of it. I would write a clever simile to convey how fucking awesome it was, but normally I would compare something awesome to "eating bacon every single meal of the day." Thus, saying, "Eating bacon every single meal of the day was so good it was like eating bacon every single meal of the day," is just deliciously dull and repetitive. Though, regardless, very true. 

Until later.

Afterwards, my body began to feel heavy, each breath sounded like the sputtering failings of a 1971 Ford Pinto, and the hallucinations began to get rather violent. (Last winter I ate almost an entire ham on my own and spent the day in a corner hiding from a figment troupe of murderous, giant praying mantises.) I have learned that having your favorite food for every meal is not a good thing.

However, fruit trees force this scenario to occur. Take the kumquat tree for example: this week we have had kumquat tea, kumquat iced tea, pickled kumquats, candied kumquats, roast chicken stuffed with kumquats, dried kumquats mixed into spiced blends and kumquat salt, kumquat mojitos, kumquat marmalade, and sliced kumquats on salads.

There is still barely a dent in the kumquat crop. The tree is persistent and unyielding. I anticipate it will not rest until it has seen me burst and citric after overconsumption of its bounty.

-Death by kumquats son.-

2. It must be collected every day. Fruit trees must be picked nearly every single day in order to properly use it all. 

Fruit that drops bruises and it bruises quickly. If you collect it that day then you can store it in the fridge or preserve it in some way. Give it a day, though, and the fruit begins to decompose.

Bruised and rotted fruit attracts the following:

• ants
• rats
• opossums 
• skunks
• crows
• magpies
• Jack the Corgi (who then throws them up)
• mice
• ????

All are problematic for obvious reasons. 

In addition, the smell of the rotting fruit can have all the alluring aroma of urban St. Louis on a humid summer day. Considering it's also been 108F in Sacramento this week this has been amplified one hundred thousand fold.

3. People steal it.  What the hell is wrong with people?

There are some basic rules of when to take fruit off someone else's tree. Rule One: If it is hanging over their fence and into your yard you can take it. Rule Two: If is hanging over the street and in arm's reach then it is fair game. Rule Three: If you have to take even one step onto someone's yard or property then you cannot have it. 

This last one seems to be an issue for people. If you have a fruit tree in your front yard, even if it's espaliered on your bedroom window some people feel that there is no problem walking onto your property and taking fruit. 

Some people just don't know better and have the intelligence of a dented hubcap from drinking too much antifreeze as a child to even realize, "Hey, maybe this isn't okay to walk onto someone else's land and take something that isn't mine." Then they realize it's just fruit and take it anyway. Lulz.

Other people actively just steal it. They drive up in the middle of the night, set up a ladder, and just strip the tree bare because and drive away. Even if you put up signs or write on the fruit itself some people just knowingly take for selfish reasons. You think the universe might do you a good turn and cause them to careen into a fence post, but there's rarely justice like that.

Odd thing? I am happy to share. Just knock on the door and ask and I'll give you a bag and help you collect. Sneaking up and just taking what you feel is yours just makes you a dick. Furthermore, as the corgi is useless at scaring off would-be fruit thieves I plan to set up a small fleet of drones that fire paintballs filled with cat urine to ward of anyone performing an unsanctioned harvest. 

Anyways, as I go forward with battle I am making a lot of kumquat marmalade. This most recent batch I laced with vanilla beans and a bit of ghost pepper. If you aren't aware, ghost peppers are the hottest pepper on earth. Well over 1,000,000 Scoville units, and sometimes over 2,000,000. That's the equivalent of about 20 habaneros. The ghost pepper is also the pepper used in military-grade pepper spray and in many chemical weapons. You must handle it with gloves, wash thoroughly after, and should you get it in your eyes or nose you will likely need a hospital visit or to call poison control.

You can buy it online and eat it, too!

In a triple batch of this marmalade I used a heaping 1/4 teaspoon. The marmalade recipe made 9 cups worth. The entire batch leaves a rather intense tingle behind. Remember with ghost peppers that just a pinch will do ya'.

Anyways, if you're overloaded with kumquats then this is the recipe for you. Enjoy.

Kumquat Marmalade
Kumquat seeds are perfectly edible and, frankly, painstakingly removing each one is about as fun as sticking your hand into a ceiling fan. A trick: use the shredder plate in a food processor. Most seeds won't pass through the slots and it makes the task much quicker. What seeds remain are few and cook up plenty soft. I call the look rustic and the flavor isn't altered at all. The measurements for this recipe come from the Blue Chair Jam Cookbook.

3 lbs. kumquats
6 cups water
2 vanilla beans, split and seeded
1/4 teaspoon ghost pepper powder
2.25 lbs. sugar

1. Cut up and de-seed the kumquats. Place them in a large stock pot with the water and allow to sit in the fridge overnight to steep.

2. Add the vanilla, sugar, and ghost pepper. Bring to a boil over high heat. Lower heat to medium-high and boil for the next hour. Be sure to stir often to prevent burning.

3. Pour into sterilized jars, lid and screw, and process the jars in boiling water for 10 minutes to seal. This is amazing with cheese or mixed with a bit of yogurt.