"I think your cat is bleeding?""What?!" Even in a feverish haze those words are enough to spring me into an adrenaline rush. My mind and body and now synched up along a perfect axis and I am now in concerned pet-parent mode. Regardless of the fact I've been unable to even crawl out of bed without becoming exhausted I have now thrown off the blankets, jumped over the couch and run up the stairs at blinding speed. Whereas three seconds ago my brain was mushy lump it now buzzes with the energy of a Tesla coil focused in on a single point.
As I reach the top of the stairs I look down to see small drops and pools of red liquid across the carpet. "Which cat?" I ask.
"Mace," the roommate points him out in my room. Inside Mace, aka Eat Beast, is sitting on the floor his back turned to me.
"Mace? Mace Face? You okay?" As I reach out to pet him he quickly turns away. I instinctively grab him and pull him close. Normally, Mace is about as relaxed as hell. He'll let me rub his tummy, use him as a bench press weight, or throw him over my shoulders like he were a feather boa. Physical inspections have never been a problem. For him to want to get away he has obviously done something wrong.
My tone changes. "Maaaace, what did yo-" A small cranberry falls out of his mouth. "The heck?" I look at Eat Beast as he licks his lips his eyes begin to stare into the corner. There, behind a broken, old television I've been meaning to toss out I see the hidden bag of cranberries.
Apparently he had stolen the entire bag from off the counter, dragged it upstairs, and had begun to eat them. After eating too many he had then thrown them up so he could make room for more cranberries. The spots all over the floor weren't blood, but bits of cranberry stained red blobs of saliva and cat vomit.
He wasn't bleeding, he was just binge eating. And binge purging.
My cat now has two eating disorders.
Goody.
This Eat Beast situation is smack in the middle of sucky and hilarious. You tell a good story, Garrett!
ReplyDeleteOMG! Naughty kitty!!!!! Eating cranberries! I'm so happy to hear he's ok! Phew.
ReplyDeleteHa! When I am a vet, I will LOVE patients like Mace. We call situations like this "dietary indiscretion". Ha!
ReplyDeleteOr would that be binge purr-ging? Ba-dum-bum. Thank you, I'll be here all week. Don't forget to tip your server.
ReplyDeleteLove your Eat Beast updates! What a cat
ReplyDeleteThat's hysterical! Reminds me of the time my dog stole a wrapped stick of butter off the counter. One minute it was there, next it was gone. I found it a few days later, behind a stack of books in my office - other than being rancid, the only damage was two teeth marks. I guess the thrill of the "eat" was not there....
ReplyDeleteaaaahaha i love it. our cat used to love playing with cranberries - since they were hollow, they'd bounce, and she would bat them around and pick them up and carry them around the house. it would keep her occupied while we were playing with needles and thread sewing chains of popcorn and cranberries! she would inevitably lose her berry under the fridge or stove and pester us for a replacement.
ReplyDeletehehehe That's what our Matsu kitty does with bread! He steals it and drags the entire loaf upstairs into a corner!(Matsu is also a lovable little black kitty boy who loves tummy rubs and to be a kitty-scarf...and my husband does bench press him *sigh*) His bread obsession didn't start until we moved to our townhouse, and now we have to hide ALL bread products! He has not developed the binge-purge-binge habit :)
ReplyDeleteThis is the funniest thing I've read in a long time. It so reminds me of my cat, Simon. He would sneak grapes and I would find them all over the house, even in the closet, you know, the only one he could not open. Thanks for the laugh. Love your blog, too.
ReplyDeleteHahaha....true pet loves love stories like that! A while ago, my little dog Murray 'somehow' found a ham bone in my garbage, took it out and hid it under our bed without telling me or my husband. We realized something had gone awry when at 2:00am we heard this horrific chewing/gnawing sound in the room on the hard wood floor! He apparently decided to have that feast in private!! Much to his dismay, we haven't had ham since!
ReplyDeleteOh my! What won't your cat eat?
ReplyDeleteI love your cat!!
Hahaha!! The eat beast is now totally a part of our lives - my five year old is obsessed with him and keeps asking if the eat beast would eat whatever is on his plate. For the record the eat beast is now responsible for the fact that my son eats bratwurst, marinara and quinoa. LOL
ReplyDeleteEating, throwing up, eating more of the same thing? Why Garrett, Eat Beast is the reincarnation of an ancient Roman!
ReplyDeleteYou know you really need to make a little kitty vomitorium now...
Carrie - That is the coolest thing I have EVER heard. Eat Beast approves and would probably thank your son for the compliment by trying to see if he could eat him too. ;)
ReplyDeleteThat's what I call a real catastrophe.
ReplyDeleteWe've watched the video of the eat beast taking down buckwheat pancakes about 50 times - if you could come up with a video of him eating broccoli it would be great for Will's diet. LOL
ReplyDeleteHilarious! Thank you for sharing. This is the first I've heard of a cat having a taste for cranberries! Eat Beast is quite the cat. :)
ReplyDeleteThat's too funny. Miss13 will get a laugh out of this when she reads it tomorrow! :-))
ReplyDeleteAlso makes me miss our puss cat that we had to rehouse when we moved over here to the US.
Oh dear. Bad kitty! I am, however, glad he's okay. :)
ReplyDelete*giggle*
ReplyDeleteYup, nice to know someone else with an "Eat Beast" problem. Our is 96lbs and often makes off with apples, tomatoes, full lbs of butter.. Did you know that grapes are poisonous to dogs?
Also it is hard to do the heimlich on a Great Dane.
*sigh*
She goes by the name of "Sophie"
*giggle*
ReplyDeleteYup, nice to know someone else with an "Eat Beast" problem. Our is 96lbs and often makes off with apples, tomatoes, full lbs of butter.. Did you know that grapes are poisonous to dogs?
Also it is hard to do the heimlich on a Great Dane.
*sigh*
She goes by the name of "Sophie"
Aha.
ReplyDeleteBrilliant.