On Dining Out on V-Day

Even when I was in a relationship I was never a big Valentine's Day person. I mean, I would get my loved one a card or some nice chocolate, but I did my best to show I cared throughout the year and not just on February 14th. Furthermore, we never went out to a restaurant because, honestly, the menus usually suck.

V-Day menus usually have to cater to certain ideal menus of romance such as fondue and oysters and so on. It's cookie cutter and usually not something the kitchen staff are practiced at since it's a one time thing. Furthermore, the restaurants are trying to pump you out as fast as possible. Take into consideration that each waiter has more tables than usual due to every single station being a two-top, well, it's just not fun for anyone.

My roommate suggested we do anti-V-Day and go out to a restaurant the day before. I advised her no, we should not. Why?

Cheaters. You see, any restaurant owner, waiter, and chef can tell you that the day before V-Day is as busy as V-Day itself. This is due to everyone taking out their mistresses, hidden boyfriends, secret same-sex partners, dates they don't want to be seen with, on the sly hookups with dinner perks, and so on. It's a night on the down-low with a side of strange romance. Love is in the air. Or something like that.

A friend of mine in college once told me of a lady who came in the day before V-Day with what he thought was her husband. A night in early to avoid the rush and say their "I love you"'s. All very sweet. The next night in, V-Day proper, she arrived with her lesbian partner. The one she apparently was also celebrating a 5 year anniversary with. Her partner even called ahead and asked my waiter friend to hide plane tickets for a romantic vacation to Europe in the skeaze's napkin.

This, folks, is a prime example of what we call a No Good Douchebag.

This was just one instance. Apparently many people come to the exact same place, two days in a row, and bring in their secret sex partners and their out in the open partners. Now, this seems stupid to me. Sooner or later, won't their be a hostess with a big mouth and a heartbroken past who'll say something? A waiter who was once betrayed? Given, it might not be their business, but really cheaters... REALLY? How smart is this?

Of course, then you get those tables where people can't just wait to get home to get it on. No, they have to do it at the table. You know, those couples intent on finding out what the deep reaches of their date's esophagus tastes like. Or the couple where there's just a queer and animalistic stare that could start a fireplace seething between the two and you realize someones arm is moving just a bit to dexterously beneath the table, shielded by the table cloth. Yeah, so much fun to be seated next to that. I'm sorry but I can't help but stare. It's like free soft-core HBO porn, but more awkward and 10-1 you had to pay for the wine rather than drink whatever plonk you have at home.

Then the table of people arguing. The last V-Day. Habitual tradition of dinner out even though the breakup is around the corner. Either through angry silence, harsh whispers that aren't all that quiet, or down and out arguments it's just not a fun space to be next to. Still, dinner and a show!

The last few examples of course, apply to V-Day Proper as well. If you go out be prepared for the freaks. They're out there.

Anywhose, my advice? Show real romance and cook at home. Save the dinners out for some spontaneous Tuesday night for your loved one. It'll be more romantic, more exciting, and probably get you laid afterwards.