Did Jesus Drink Bourbon? (No, he did not.)

I have a bad habit of interrupting people and interjecting myself into conversations that I'm not neccessarily a part of (but feel the near stroke inducing need to make my opinion heard). It's something I'm working on controlling, however time and again I find myself pulled into a dailogue with the gravitic force of a neutron star. I can't help it, I was raised to be vocal and make myself heard and damnit I will be.

The situation in question today occurred at work where many strange and ususual conversations have taken place before (I'm still trying to find that carrot bush). I tend to be a sort of universal axis for the inane people of the world, it all draws close to me, soley. No longer a case of simply Murphey's Law, I belong to a the greater intellectual and situational sphere of Murphey's Physics: All shit and everyone else's shit can and will happen to me.

As I sat at my desk my ears perked up to hear, "I think Jesus probably drank bourbon. I mean, he's Jesus." There was no sarcasm or smile, this statement was made with all seriousness. Struck with my inability to let someone exist while being wrong I decided to jump in and save the day with my own informed and obviously correct opinion (in this case read: fact) as is the duty of Know-It-All's everywhere.

"Actually, I doubt Jesus ever once tasted bourbon," I interjected. "You see it just wasn't around back then. Wine, heck yeah. Probably pomegranate wine and some form of mead too, but no way bourbon."

The couple having the discussion turned my way, the girl seemingly curious for me to continue, her friend raising an eyebrow at me. The eyebrow arched obtusely, challenging my forceful rebuttal.

"How do you know that for sure? Jesus was Jesus, he could have any drink he wanted," asked Eyebrow.

"Well, bourbon was developed in the Southern United States, a country which wouldn't exist for another eighteen-hundred years or so. In fact it's named after Bourbon County in Kentucky. Bourbon could never be in Israel at the time."

"Well, what if they shipped it over?"

"Also not possible. If no one is making it how could it be shipped? Corn wasn't even over on that part of the continent yet, nor did they use barrel aging in that part of the world to make spirits. They used earthenware jars. So the Middle East had neither the corn nor the method, as it didn't even exist in the birthplace of bourbon. I mean, yes, it's possible they had the corn, but they didn't make bourbon from it."

"Jesus could simply make bourbon. He would just know what it is."

"I don't think the bible said Jesus was a precog or psychic of any kind." I'll give it that Jesus had some awesome power, but lord almighty...

"He's Jesus, I'm sure he could find something very similar and buy that instead."

"No, he couldn't." I was now irate and beginning to show it. "There is the possibility that something similar to it could exist at 15 A.D., but it's not actually bourbon unless it's from the United States which didn't exist. Actually, no, I doubt it was anything like bourbon. And even then, Jesus was a carpenter. He was poor. I doubt he spent any money he did make on good booze. Any money he did have probably went to help people."

"Jesus could find and have it if he wanted to!"

"Based on what!?" I shot back.

"He's JESUS!" voice now raised.

Point for Eyebrow! How can I fight this razor sharp wit and spot on logic?

At this point a friend calmed me down a bit and told me I was needed elsewhere. I wasn't, but it was obvious this was going to escalate.

I suppose Jesus could have turned wine into bourbon if he knew what it was, but really, I doubt it. If Jesus blogged, he be over at Vinography I bet.