There's No Cents In It

I was at the local coffee shop and watched as a customer received his change - all various types of coins. As I watched, he sorted through it, picking out the pennies. He then grabbed his coffee, threw the coppers into the jar and hurried off.

I have covered tipping once or twice on here, but allow me to re-iterate something. Never throw your pennies into a tip jar. Just... don't. It's an insult, not a tip.

Allow me to explain. When you are handed change, you might find yourself with a dime or a nickel. Heck maybe a quarter or a few bucks. These are all fine gestures of gratitude to your coffee person (the word "barista" sickens me, I preferred coffee person). Indeed, nickles, dimes and quarters add up to actual dollars. As such, all shiny, silver colored coins are welcome. Pennies are not.

Here is the thing, coffee people get minimum wage. We don't depend on tips, nor do we expect them (I use "we" in a loose sense, as it has been years since I was behind a counter). As such, you are not in any way required to tip your coffee people. It is however kind and a good way to ensure we remember your face. Indeed I had a few customers I could actually time to a watch and have their drinks ready the moment they walked in the door. People rarely ever try something new I learn, it's too crippling to gamble with caffeine for most so prediction was easy.

As for those I knew to be rude jerkwads, if they were the only person in line then I might slow down or over / under-heat the milk. Little things to try and make the person go away and never come back. Those who came in and demanded 20 drinks for the office and then didn't bother to throw a damn fivepence into the tip jar? Oh, you can guarantee that the next time they showed up I went so slow, you'd think my own personal time had stopped. I would sit and enjoy them begin to pace frantically, glancing at their watch every other second in a panic as they missed whatever meeting they had. Vengeance is a bitch, and when I hold you drinks hostage and your cash is in the till, you were mine.

Anyways, pennies. Throwing in your pennies is not a tip. It is your convenience. Pennies add up, yes, but rarely to much more than 30-odd cents. They're a pain to count up at the end of the night when you just want to go. Furthermore, the real reason people put them in the tip jar is they themselves don't want to be burdened by carrying them around. It's a form of economic light-lifting sloth, and pushing on your little annoyance to someone else and attempting to pass it off as appreciation for a job well done is bullshit.

So what is appropriate for you $3-5 coffee? Other former coffee-persons and I have come up with a few guidelines:

-For cappuccinos, lattes, americanos? Between 10 to 35 cents is appropriate. Aim for the higher end if you are asking them to gussy it up in a thousand different ways.

-You do not have to tip for drip coffee or pre-prepared food.

-If the coffee person has to make food you've ordered, 40-50 cents is about right.

I know there are some coffee-people who would disagree with my rules. They're the ones who call themselves baristas and think they're the pinnacle of hip culture for people between the ages of 16-21. If they think they deserve a dollar for your drip coffee, give them the finger and move on. Still, these are rough guidelines. You don't have to tip coffee people at all. However, out of kindness and gaining someone in your confidence who will take care of you and even slip you a free drink or two (I know I and my fellow coffee people did for our favorite customers) I suggest it.