"Mace?" I called out. I got down on all fours and scanned under the couch, illuminating the crevice with the neon blue spectral light on my keychain.
The Eat Beast had been missing for a while, I only noticed due to the overwhelming quiet I had been experiencing for more than four minutes, which is never a good sign. Its a similar silence like being in the center of a hurricane, a temporary lapse of deafening silence and apprehension before everything goes screaming to shit.
"God damn it, Mace..." I checked behind the T.V. and in my closet, both spaces he's not allowed but conquers daily. I moved over to the dining space where I keep his automatic food dispenser, a device I bought to feed him at 4 am (his self-designated feeding time) so that I could sleep in without being meowed at. I preformed my last-ditch-never-fail-siren-kitty-call. I shook it. A sound which always calls the furry bastard.
*shake shake shake*
Nothing. "The hell...?" I was astonished. This had never happened before. The fat little bastard always came for food. I mean Christ, the floor is collapsing in front of the food dispenser where he sits to punish his daily feedings.
*shake shake shake*
Patience.
"Meeeeeeeow" *scratch scratch*
"Mace?"
*scratch scratch*
I turned around, "Mace... Oh my God, please do not tell me..."
"MEEEEOOOOWWWWW!"
The fridge door was slightly ajar.
So I opened it fully. The light had barely a chance to go on and the door to swing open before a fuzzy black bolt shot out, with a quick questionable mrowring-sound of impatience that was soaked with sarcasm saying "About damn time."
I stood aghast for a second and momentarily hurled the most colorful language I could think of at the cat for being so stupid and for me for apparently not noticing his sneaky entrance into what was his apparent chilly nirvana. My mind caught hold for a moment, swinging the fridge door open I looked inside to find a partially eaten package of butter.
I must take a moment to expand on the butter scene, you see he could have only been there for four or five minutes tops. The butter, still in it's aluminum laced packaging had been dismembered. Total carnage. Mace had devastated it like a dairy sucking hurricane. The word hurricane is a accurate choice, for much like a natural disaster, the wreck from the fatty melee was apparent and expansive. Somehow chuncks of butter had escaped THE MAW and been splattered upon the walls and floor of the fridge in gross patterns, like a English muffin had been brutally murdered. The feline machine was not content to simply lick or chew the butter but rather decided to be its gustatory apocalypse.
Apparently, when I had put the unused butter back a short while earlier I didn't close the fridge door all the way. He had pushed his way in and made way for the prize. However the door partially closed, but not sealed, behind him and he hadn't been able to push it back open. Whether this was due to laziness or stupidity, a combination of the two being the most likely, he had gotten stuck.
Seriously... does anyone else have this problem?
Okay, I am almost crying I am laughing so hard at that story! I can almost picture it! My cat is not that bad, but she does know what she likes and doesn't like and what I like and don't like her to do. Like attacking my antique mirror on my dresser everyone morning, about 20 minutes before my alarm will go off. Always gets me out of bed...lovely!
ReplyDeleteMy grandmother once accidentally shut her cat into her tall, standing freezer. No idea how long the cat was in there but it survived. And it never went near the freezer again.
ReplyDeleteYou know the old joke right? Guy buys a parrot, gets it home, and the only speaking it does is a constant stream of obscenities and off-color insults. After hours of listening to the parrot swear a blue streak, the guy picks it up and tosses it in the freezer. The parrot continues to curse for several more minutes but then it gets very quiet. When the guy opens the freezer, the bird steps out and says, "Sir, I apologize for anything I said that may have insulted you or, indeed, any of your family. I see now that it was wrong and I hope you can forgive me."
The guy's a little taken aback but he shrugs. The parrot says, "May I ask a question? What did the turkey do?"
My cat has never got in the fridge, but my latest cat blogging post was her in a cupboard. As soon as I open a door she's in there.
ReplyDeleteThankfully she's not really that interested in human food, although she's definitely interested in cat food as you can tell from her generous proportions...
Thanks for a good laugh, sorry about your butter...
My cats have gotten locked in some fairly strange places...but never the refrigerator....
ReplyDeleteInteresting.
I just stumbled across Vanilla Garlic the other day. I can't wait to start whipping up a few batches of your cupcakes! I am a MAJOR foodie, but I made a point to read all of the Eat Beast entries. Both you and Mace are hysterical! I have a fat, black feline myself (he's sprawled, as usual, across my desk). He's not even remotely greedy (big sigh of relief), but he still manages to make a pest of himself on a regular basis. I've come to the conclusion that tortoiseshells have remarkable personalities, and that black cats are as stubborn as mules, to put it mildly. Anyways, good luck with The Beast, and keep us posted with his antics.
ReplyDeleteCapriciousCat
Ditto to the laughing so hard I'm nearly crying! That must be because I have a similar cat who will eat anything but has not dared go near the fridge.
ReplyDeletePoor Beast...
My roomate's cat used to get into everything(like my room at the buttcrack of dawn to sit by my elbow and meow me into awakeness-damn I loved her to bits). She did get into the refrigerator once when I left it open, and stared at me like a sphinx from beside the jam jar, daring me to do something. I shut the door as slowly as I could but she didn't come down, so I shut it. I let her out about a minute later, and she gives this look of disgust I've never seen a human emulate, and stalked off. I still miss her sassy butt.
ReplyDeleteOMG, that's the funniest thing I've ever read. Hilarious!
ReplyDeleteI think I just peed my pants!
ReplyDeleteCats in the fridge, specifically? No, never happened, but only due to CONSTANT VIGILANCE! Stupid cats, in general? Oh, lordy yes, 24/7. Bless their brainless, furry butts. : )
ReplyDeleteCharlene
Okay, first off, props to your story telling abilities. I've never seen the phrase "gustatory apocalypse" used in a sentence before, and while I had to contemplate it for a brief moment, I could picture exactly what was going on.
ReplyDeleteSecond, hilarious... fat guys are the best, even when they attack your butter. You gotta figure, Mace's species were once savage hunters, right? Yes, butter as prey is a bit pathetic, but hopefully he got his killer instincts out of the way. :-)
Last, while my cat's but is too fat to squeeze into much of anywhere (just like 'er mama... I'm so proud!), my folks do have baby locks on their kitchen cabinet to keep the other cats out...
My cat always gets in the butter if left out on the counter. I've lost so many sticks of butter that way! He also gets into cupboards, but never the fridge. I accidently locked my other cat in the dryer once... Luckily it wasn't running!
ReplyDeleteScary places cats get themselves into! You KNOW something is wrong when they don't come for treats!
Glad Mace is ok! Hope he didn't cough up a furball from all that butter!
That was great, you have the best stories. Having a fat cat of my own I have to say I'm glad he never has entered the fridge. He does regularly come sit on my chest(all 24lbs) in the morning annoucing that he needs breakfast.
ReplyDeleteIt is rather hard to sleep through 24lbs crushing you.
My kitty, Meowse, has a thing for bread still in the plastic wrapper; but he's never gone into the fridge, much less gotten stuck...
ReplyDeleteThis story is definitely a must-read, must-share! I almost burst at the seams from laughter though - a story worth telling grandchildren!!!
*giggle* I'm glad I'm not the only one whose cat gets in the fridge...and who has accidently shut the door on them. I try to keep enough stuff on the bottom shelf so he won't fit there. That's where he always jumps to, usually to try and lick any sourdough starter off the side of the container that may have spilled down it. Crazy cats...
ReplyDeleteI'm amazed at your patience with Mace and his shenanigans. Luckily for him, he's a cute cat. Post some more pictures of him sometime if you can, it's been a while since I've seen him!
ReplyDeleteNo, I don't have that problem with a cat. I have that problem with a small, rather "industrious" boy who today, decided that he was going to remove the flowers from the vase, stuff his bologna sandwich in there, and replace the flowers, thinking I would be none the wiser.
ReplyDeleteAt least Eat Beast didn't pee in the fridge.
Aw haha! Poor kitty! Cats really can get into everything ...
ReplyDeleteFunny you should mention this...My current gray cat's predecessor, Gomez the Gray, decided one fine afternoon to climb onto my kitchen counter, do a face-plant in my bacon grease jar, and...eat...the...whole..friggin'...thing!
ReplyDeleteGomez sat under my counter for three days after that, mewling piteously.
But his fur was very, very shiny.
That was hilarious!!! I often read your blog, but I've never posted. But the eat beast cracks me up.
ReplyDeleteI have a dog that would happily climb in the fridge if she was small enough. As it is I constantly have to shoo her away from the oven, she will try sticking her head in to steal food. It doesn't matter that said food is 400 degrees.
Kristina
Ha Ha! Yes! I do have that problem! My cat simply adores yogurt and cheese. So, if I have a guest over and that guest makes the mistake of eating yougurt in front of my cat...he/she will be mauled (my cat is the size of a small dog and quite agile) and furthermore robbed of the yogurt. Oh, and my cat sits on my head when he wants to be fed in the morning. = )
ReplyDeletemy boys have never made it into the fridge. but this is surely luck rather than design. one of the lads likes to play the harp on my aluminium venetian blinds at 2am, 4am and 6am (i have learnt it is easier to get up and feed him. ignoring him WILL NOT make him stop and go back to sleep). the other one once jumped over the fence (a good six and half feet high) with a fish in his mouth. Yes, a whole fish. we're about 30km from the beach. we can be assume so poor fool left it outside while they went to light the bbq or something and came back to find it gone.
ReplyDeleteonce we thought we'd go away for the weekend, just overnight and instead of getting someone around would just leave out a day's supply of dry food. having realised we'd forgotten something essential 20min from home we turned round.... they had eaten every last scrap of food.
i challenge anyone's cats to out eat mine (one is partial to mushrooms, the other broccoli. i left pumpkin soup out to defrost while i was at work the other day and they got into that and ate the lot).
..... i love them but it's very trying sometimes!
(sorry, this is a very long comment. their greed amazes me constantly)
Hi, Garret. Wonderfully funny story! Nearly snorted my water when I read it. :) We have a cat who stretches up to check out the bottom shelf whenever the fridge door is open, but she's never actually got closed in. Thanks for sharing this fun adventure. Hope we hear more of Mace's tricks.
ReplyDeleteHey, like father like son. Anyway, you can't blame anyone - or the cat - for trying to feed themselves a little better. Commercial cat food is about as nutritious as any processed food is, ie: not very. I know people who give their cats only raw meat and veg and they (the cats) are better off for it.
ReplyDeleteThis friend's blog mentions a butter-eating cat. http://saffron7.com/life/latest-news/the-littlest-big-man-20080722135/
ReplyDeleteMy cat did this -- curled up as comfortable as you please next to a bottle of ginger ale on the bottom shelf. And seemed perfectly happy there, too -- the only reason he didn't die is that I was cooking at the time and going back and forth between counter and fridge. So I open the door and he just looks up at me, like "La la la...what? Go about your business." (He couldn't have been in there very long.)
ReplyDeleteThis is a scientifically-proven phenomenon called a "Cat vacuum." Our old Lars kept trying to get into the refrigerator. When he finally passed away, and we had to wait to bury him, we curled him up in a blankie on the bottom shelf of the refrigerator, like his own little morgue drawer. FINALLY he got to be in the 'fridge. He looked... happy...
ReplyDeleteI have a dog that can open jars. i have come home at various times to find whole jars of pesto and vegemite (yes, that foul stuff that aussies love!) gone.
ReplyDeleteMy cat thankfully is not as greedy, but that may be because we put prozac on his food, calming him down and making his food much less edible.