Coffee with a Sign of Douche

When I worked at the coffee shop back in college, I became quite popular with the local deaf community. The main reason being I could speak better than average sign language. I picked up A.S.L. (American Sign Language) with ease because I'm simply a visual learner, and anyone who knows me can tell you I already talk with my hands so this was the next logical step. My Spanish however is awful. Anywhose, I'm not so great now and a bit out of practice but I still fill in at work as a rough translator now and again.

Eventually, I became somewhat known in Davis. After word got out, I started being requested on the floor and in the cafe often since I could communicate with ease, and there wasn't any frustration of having to write things down or lip read. Still, my one weakness in Sign was fingerspelling. Fingerspelling is when you spell out a word using signs for each letter. There are a few tricks like, R-E-F for refrigerator and so on, but some words, say like, prestidigitation, are just hard. Second, some native speakers fingerspell hyper-fucking fast, so fast it's just a blur and my brain just immediately short circuits for a few minutes and I forget how to speak in either English or Sign.

So one day at the coffee shop, an adorable couple came up and asked for the signing coffee person they heard worked there. I told them that I was that person, and asked how I could help them. They signed for a small regular coffee, and a large mocha with whipped cream. I punched in their orders and ask if they want anything else.

Now when signing, it's not uncommon for other people to look for a moment out of curiosity and try to see if they can see what we're saying, rarely it seems did people ever outright stare. One or two people in line looked for a second but then went back to their own conversations or back to browsing the menu. The couple in front then pointed to some small pre-packaged snack and asked me what the ingredients were. Or should I say, they fingerspelled the word "ingredients" in about 1/4 of a freaking second, causing my brain to break.

At this point I'm screwed, I asked them to sign it again only slower, after a few times I finally get the hint and explain to them that no the product is not vegan when suddenly...

"Excuse me, if you're done chatting, could you hurry up?" a gentleman in his forties asks. I'll give it to him, we've taken a short while so I'm cool and apologize.

"Just a moment Sir, I'm just answering a few questions, I'll be happy to help you in a just a minute. Just a small loss of translation for a second!" signing as I speak. I go back to the couple and punch in their order and apologize profusely, we all have a giggle and they tell me not to worry.

"HEY! Are you talking about me?"

"I'm sorry?" We all three look at him.

"Didn't your parents teach you it's rude! I just want to order my coffee!"

"We aren't talking about you, Sir."

My female deaf customer chimes in having read his lips, "We were just laughing about our conversation."

"Yeah, right. Don't lie to me! I just want to order my coffee. I didn't come here for this."

"Sir..." I was literally lost about this conversation, I stumbled for words. This wasn't a regular case of The Stupids, this is just... well, no, it is, but just a very unusual case of it. "We weren't talking about you," my face looking slightly confused.

"I'm going to find your manager!"

And so he stormed off. The three of us remaining looked puzzled. The people in line look puzzled. I signed that he was a total douche.

If he's going to insist that I made fun of him, I might as well, right? That way he's not a liar. Just a paranoid douche. I laughed. The couple laughed. My manager laughed. I never saw him again.

Good times.