Snot the Best Grapes You Could Buy

From the Archives.

So we've all shared in my experiences with unruly ankle biters (monsters in the shape of children) and the irresponsible hosts they spawned out of (parents) in social gustatory settings. We've also seen how unsanitary people can be when sneezing over or touching public food.

But this last one, this takes the god damn cake.

I was at the market and was walking over to the grapes. Across the display was a child old enough to chew steak crammed into the toddler seat of the shopping cart looking over the grapes. As I ripped off a bag I looked up and noticed the kid's face suddenly become gnarled as he breathed in and tilted his head back.

"Oh Sweet Jesus, no..." I thought to myself with dread.

The child began to sneeze furiously over and over, each one echoing louder than the last. It was like a fireworks finale was occurring in the produce section. Luckily the kid was well mannered enough to cover his mouth so I was felt okay about it and grabbed the grapes at the total opposite end of where the child was.

And then he wiped his hands on the grapes display.

Mom turned around and nodded at him, "Oh honey bless you, but next time ask mom for a tissue or something." She then began to walk away. Yes. She just left the grapes which her son and left behind the visible chunks and shmears of snot streaked across the grapes.

"Excuse me!?" another woman barked, "Aren't you going to take those grapes or call someone or something?"

"I'm sorry?"

I helpfully chirped in. "Your son just wiped his snot all over the grapes. You can see it. You can't just leave them there."

"Well people should wash their food when they get it home anyways, you never know whose touching it."

You are shitting me... "I agree, but blatantly wiping your mucus over food is different than just bits of dirt from handling."

"You should tell someone," the other woman noted, backing me up.

"Well I don't want to buy those grapes!!!" she screeched as she the levees of sanity broke and the demonic she-bitch she was hiding revealed itself. "I DON'T WANT THOSE GRAPES! THEY HAVE SNOT ON THEM!" Her face was contorted and red. Her kid ignored all of us and was halfway into a box of cereal for the toy.

The other woman started back at her, "It's your kid's snot!"

"And they'll probably just throw them away and not worry about it." This was where we had to start calming her down before a scene began. However, just to be sure I started to eye Rob a bit and try to send a telepathic message to grab a coconut to bean her in the head with. Just in case.

"I DON'T WANT THOSE GRAPES! Just because my kid is sick, it's my responsibility!?"

"YES." The other woman and I resounded back in unison.

"Don't you people tell me how to raise my child!!! IT'S NOT YOUR CHILD AND IF YOU DON'T WANT SNOTTY GRAPES, DON'T BUY THEM!" And she stormed off, presumably to devour other shoppers.

The other woman and I looked at each other. "Some people..." as she rolled her eyes.

I laughed, "Yeah, and they're reproducing."

"Heaven help us."

"Indeed," I nodded, "I think I'll be getting pears instead."

The grapes were removed by the store immediately.