On Dressing for Dinner and Hooker Heels

From the Archives.
____________________

The era of three piece suit dining is almost well over in my opinion. Sure certain restaurants still have a certain air about them that requires you to throw on a suit and *gag* tie. (God, and I despise ties.) But anyways, most well to do places may require a good collared shirt, a belt, some nice slacks, and some decent shoes that you don’t go running in every day.

I suppose there are factors to take in like age appropriateness and the specific restaurant you plan to patron, but this is just how it is. Yeah, it hurts to hear but let’s face it, grandma should not be in a tube top, and the prom queen shouldn’t have robbed Blanche’s closet from The Golden Girls. There is also a difference between The French Laundry and Der Weinerschnietzel even though your opinion may fluctuate depending on the humber of drinks you've consumed.

I also don’t like to think of myself as the fashion police; I mean, I dress just to meet dress code standards at work because I don’t want to spend the money for work clothes, and even some days I slide just under it. I look fine (I hope), but I doubt GQ has plans to hunt me down at the office for a cover shoot anytime soon. But when someone walks in looking like who did it and what for then I have to just stop and shake my head.

So when I'm dining at a place that has a certain dress standard, say what you would where on a first date or a night at the theater to see a play or symphony more or less, and two skeazy girls come in, it makes me raise an eyebrow and wonder what sort of hemorrhaging head trauma they must have suffered that would make them dress in such a way.

Really, I’m not being a stick up my butt fashion nazi here. Let me break it down:

Girl One: Mascara should be applied liberally. She had the tarantula eyelashes going, and so much eyeliner I couldn’t tell if she had been sucker punched in a street fight or she was out of Ambien. The rest of the makeup was just… God, like she went to Rite-Aid, laid out the free samples on the counter and just dragged her face back and forth through the thick of it. Wearing fish net stockings, hooker heels (platform in the front, stilleto in the back), and a tube top that said “Daddy’s Little Whore” in sequins no less. Classy!

Girl Two: No makeup (she needed it). Wet hair (still dripping). Mini skirt where we could see her ass at the bottom, thong at the top. Boobs so about to just pop out of the spaghetti strap. It was just ew.

They had reservations, and you could see the manager was sitting there just and talking with another waiter, both in starched white and black uniforms I might add, on what to do. They were seated in the back where they then started to swear up a storm, one describing in detail about her recent gyno visit (lovely, and no I don’t think I will have the oysters, thanks). When they started to smoke in the restaurant - which is against the law here in California – they started to cuss out the waiter when he asked them to put out the cigs. They then paid their bill and as Girl One left her hooker heel broke and she noted, “Holy hell, my fucking heel broke off my shoe.”

To which Girl Two replied, “Shit, and after you got all dressed up too.”

Holy crap.

I caught the eye of the waiter, and we both just exchanged a look that contained an intense and horrified discussion as to what constituted not dressed up.

So yeah, there is a certain time and place where you need to dress nicely. Fish nets are for 80’s themed parties. Nice restaurants, job interviews, and nights at the opera require some taste and style.

Help stop the tacky.